Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The sweetest smell

I made these at 8.30 pm today. The flowers were already starting to go to sleep. I love the colours and the freshness of our garden in the evenings at this time of year. And now is when the flowers with my favorite smell are blooming. I don't know how they are called in English, but the dutch name is 'seringen', they are the flowers on the left. Their smell is just heavenly. I dream of a perfume that has the exact same odour, but I never found a perfume like that.

A litte time after finishing my evening walk trough our garden, I realised that I don't need to make choices, that I can do (almost) everything I want, everything I love. I decided to see where my studies will take me, and that coming autumn I want to take some short jewellery courses. It will all clear itself out as time unravels.
I think I am afraid to not be determined about what I want. I discovered I'm determined about what I want all the time, but that in periods of stress my dreams get blurred by what I think 'the world' expects from me (I mean the people around me). Even though I am surrounded by loving people who only whish me to be happy and don't try to push me into anything, I still get that feeling sometimes, especially when I don't feel well.
I would love to study jewellery design, but I learned that there is nothing that will stop me to do that in my own personal way. I realised I don't need to follow an official study programme to learn the things I want, the way I want.

I am determined to do things in a way that they make me happy. I think - I'm sure - I should just try to stick to that as much as possible. I lost the bright, enthousiastic, wild and sometimes reckless Isis, that loved dancing and laughing. Sometimes she comes popping up again. Just for short moments.

(Look at me talking about myself in third person, haha!)

I hope you all can do the things you want to do in a way they make you happy...


Ruth Singer said...

those flowers are lilacs. I love them too.
I'm not surprised you are having a crisis about what to do with your life. Exams and the end of college is a time of stress and change. Creative work can continue while you do other things and you can always come back to it later - that's what I did! Don't give up the medieval stuff too soon, it's too special and unique!

msbelle said...

You sound a bit more centered. I'm glad. I often think about you and how you're doing. I remember the days of feeling pushed to make choices. Although I never finished college and sometimes wish I had, it happened for a reason. If I had finished, I probably would not have my Kevin. I might not have him at all. I'm glad I have him. :)
Yes, lilacs are my mother's favorite as well. She has six bushes in her yard that all got frost bitten this year over Easter. Such a shame. They will have to wait another year to blossom and give off their heavenly fragrance. Enjoy!

msbelle said...

Isis, I'm tagging you!! Come visit me to learn the rules!!